There are certain things about parenthood that are difficult. There are moments when I want to pull out my hair and run screaming down the street. But all of the dirty diapers, crazy ailments, unexplained rashes, whiny children, playroom messes and other unfun parts of parenting don’t hold a candle to what for me has been the hardest part about being a Mommy.
The most difficult thing for me is knowing that a bowl of something like these might as well be poison.
You see, the worst thing for me is having a child who has a food allergy. I hate it for him and the limitations it imposes. I hate it that he ever has to give a second thought to “can I eat that?” And I am deeply saddened by the fact that my child may go through his entire childhood without enjoying a bite of the delicious staple that is part of almost every child’s diet…a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. (And I should note that PB&Js are probably to blame for his allergy since I had one nearly every day I was on bedrest (for five months) during my pregnancy with him…studies have shown (now) that such “overexposure” to a food can cause an allergy in that unborn child.)
For a few reasons, I don’t think I’ve ever discussed Thomas’ peanut allergy on here, but yes, he was diagnosed with it in November 2008 (when he was 2.5). Initially the doctor was pretty confident that he either didn’t have a true allergy or that he would outgrow it quickly. His first RAST (blood test) gave him a ridiculously low number for his positive reaction (a 0.49 – the doctor says a 14 would be someone with a severe allergy). He failed a peanut “challenge” test (attempted to eat about 1/8 a tsp. of peanut butter). The doctor ordered a retest on the RAST six months later and Thomas’ number skyrocketed to 6.98. At that point the allergist said we should remove all peanuts from our home and treat it very, very seriously.
Anyway, so it really….sucks (for lack of a more fitting term). Though I should say that Thomas has been a champion about it. Perhaps because it’s all he has ever known, he is good about asking us before he eats something, and he never touches anything off the plate of a friend who is enjoying a PB&J (even if he is offered his most favorite potato chips in the whole world!). It has also helped us that he hates chocolate because it helps us avoid a lot of candy options. But I hate telling him, “you can’t have that because it might have/or does have peanuts.” I hate it. And I hate the way I hold my breath sometimes when he has a cookie or a bite of cake and I never know if maybe there might be a trace of peanut flour (Pillsbury ridiculously uses that in some of their non-peanut varieties of break-n-bake cookies). Though we try to avoid baked goods in almost all situations unless we know they are safe.
At our church, after the Sunday service coffee and snacks are offered to attendees. Thomas & Parker love it because they can get a snack and lemonade, but it always makes me nervous. Today we let the boys have lemonade and then let Thomas pick out some chips (they seemed to be the safest thing on the table because the other things were mostly cookies and such). When Thomas wanted a refill of his lemonade, I walked with him. He stopped at the snack table and put his hand over a dish of pretzel bites like the ones pictured above. He asked if he could have one and I said he could.
He put one in his mouth and immediately, I mean IMMEDIATELY, my “you know better” mothering instinct kicked in. I reached into his mouth and told him to spit it out. He did without a fuss, and thankfully it was before he had taken a bite. Then I explained that I just remembered that I think some things like those have peanut butter in them. I tested one and sure enough…
I felt like crying. I mean, I know that sounds silly, but I felt like such a bad mother. I know better. I should have tried it before I gave it to him and yet we were one second from causing a tremendous scene and possibly putting his life at risk. Thank God, truly, that I immediately thought better.
You hear about crazy parents who want to have all peanuts or wheat or gluten or whatever it is removed from their child’s school entirely. I used to think those parents were crazy. I mean, why should the other 95% of students (I’m making that number up) suffer because of the crazy food allergies of a paltry 5%? But now I get it. Those parents want their children to be free of limitations. They want to sleep well at night. They want their children to be able to eat a school lunch from the cafeteria (if that is what they want!) just like all of the other children.
Thomas has been at a nut-free school for preschool. But in a couple of weeks he’ll be going to an “anything goes” school and it’s all on me…and him (and his daddy!) to keep him safe. It’s such a daily challenge. I know in time it might get easier in some respects, but in other ways, it only gets harder as his world gets bigger.
Part of me wants to tell everyone who serves food to a crowd to label their snacks and put warnings about peanuts or shellfish or whatever it is that everyone can’t have. But then the other part of me wonders where it would end. I suppose it’s not up to the world to protect my child, but it sure would make it easier.
I still hold out hope that Thomas will outgrow his allergy. The doctor said, after his increased number, it was less likely but he wouldn’t rule it out completely. A year ago we were supposed to have him retested. Part of me procrastinated it because I didn’t want to go through the agony of a blood draw with him again (and I was going to have Parker’s done at the same time), but the other part of me feared that the result would be even worse than before. The previous increase was hard enough to take.
Anyway, Parker will start his testing this week and we are hoping he comes back with no food allergies (he has still not tried peanuts, but has successfully had tree nuts like almonds, pecans and walnuts). I’m sure we’ll get Thomas back in for his retest soon too. In the meantime, I’ll keep carrying our epi-pen and hoping I never have to use it.
By the way, sorry I don’t have a more interesting blog post. I rarely take pictures it seems, and today this has just weighed heavily on me. Sometimes I just need to write about what is on my mind!
